When everything really isn’t ok

When someone ask’s you have are you feeling, what do you say? 

Do you be completely honest and spill exactly how your feeling, how you feel like your world is tearing apart around you and there’s nothing that you can do about it? 

Or do you decide to just nod your head and say… Yeah I’m fine. 

Its a tricky one, but what I’ve learnt is the one’s that ask how you are. Are the one’s that care. You may feel that they are intruding, trying to get gossip. That’s how I felt most of the time. I didn’t want to tell people how I felt. I just wanted to stay the same as what I was before just a shadow. People never noticed me before… so why now? Now that they’ve herd what your going through they all of a sudden become massively concerned. In my opinion the one’s that were there before the C word are your true friends. Along the way you will find people that just want to gossip and be morbid… These are the people to stay clear off. And there will be a few, so just keep your friends close to your heart and if you feel like explaining how you really feel…go for it. 

Dont hold back, in my experience thats when my anger started. I started blaming everyone, everything and anything. But honestly thats because I didn’t have the best group of friends, they didn’t seem to understand. But who does? Nobody understands the C word.. everyone just tries to deal with it… 

So my advice for this week; Keep your head up, Keep your heart strong. 

14 miles, horrific weather and walking on crutches.

Here I am. After a 14 mile march, I walked with 4,000 others all in aid of helping The Royal Marsden charity. Yes it was pretty difficult. Yes my hand absolutely killed where I was on crutches and yes some of my toe nails have fallen off. But you know what? None of that matters. For one, I was helping an amazing charity and for two I was thinking of my mum the whole way.

4,000 people walked and marched from one hospital in Chelsea to the other back in Sutton. While the weather wasn’t particularly the best, the volunteers who helped the Marsden were smiling as if the sun was shining! It was so refreshing to see people happy and not being down or upset about the c word!

I walked under the banner of TINA’S TROOPERS. Dedicated to my lovely mum, who I am so pleased was also able to walk 14 miles, with no complaints my mum was on top form! TINA’S TROOPERS sung the whole way, with laughter to follow! Right from the beginning we was singing “Everywhere we go, people wanna know, who we are, and where we come from, so we tell them, we are tina’s troopers, mighty mighty troopers, and if they cant hear us, we shout a little louder” It kept us going the whole way through!

And when reaching the finishing line that was one of the best experiences I’ve had. Knowing that I have walked with my friends and family, 14 miles in aid of a charity so close to my heart was overwhelming! Tears of joy is the only way to describe how I felt!

I now cherish the medal I received at the finishing line and cannot wait for next year to do it all over again!

The people, The charity, The hospital. That’s all that mattered on the 17th March 2013. The fighters, The lost and the survivors were all with us that day to support our march.

So this post is dedicated to The Royal Marsden Hospital, that saved my mum’s life. I know my blog is to help young adults suffering, but I want to inspire you, to get out there and do things for the people, place and hospital that have helped or are still helping your loved one’s. 14 miles was a short and easy task compare to what hospitals do when they are saving lives of people dealing with the c word.

Cancer better watch its back.

 

Feeling alone?

So, its been a couple of days. University has been mega busy, havent been able to sit down, let alone write anything.

It’s weird I was sitting here, just the other day reflecting on the year I’ve had. Where I was then and where I am now… strange how much changes in a year… right? Sometimes you feel so alone in the world, especially when loved ones are so far away. Or when they are there, but not mentally only physically… that happened a lot when mum was going through chemo, she just wasn’t herself. To be honest a lot of cancer patients lose who they are, its not done on purpose. They are just so drained to whats happening and most of the time they are so spaced out. High on medication if you like. It makes you think that your alone. But trust me, your not.

So yeah, was sitting here thinking of something I felt when I was watching my mum go through that pain… and the answer is music. No sad music that makes you even more worried about whats going on, but reflective music… it somehow takes you away, makes you forget and just gives you that release that you need… so today’s music is a good one if you are just alone and need some time to yourself.

I didn’t know my own strength

Whitney Huston’s song. I didn’t know my own strength. Such a true song, with such a deep meaning. It can relate to anything that has happened in your life. The song has many meanings. But for me this song kept me, my mum and family going.

I use to just repeat this song for hours, especially on a bad day. If I was every worried, nervous or thinking a little to much. This song would make me focus and realise the strength I have.

This song also helped mum, a lot. When she needed a boost, this gave her the boost. When she needed a cry, she was able to cry and relate to this song. Being strong doesn’t mean you hide emotions, you need to cry. Focus on the lyrics. Listen to what they mean. Eventually everything will be ok. Just give it time and have the strength to carry on.